When people live together as a husband and wife, they love each other and treasure each moment that they spend. For me, the pain will never go away. I dont believe staying together for child sake. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. { Grieving Your Old Life Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. After he left (she demanded he move in almost straight away) he needed counselling and at one point was close to a breakdown. Why isnt that enough? As in, you might finally be legally divorced. Well what I get out of it is I love her and hope and pray to the Lord that I get another opportunity with her since neither one of us are seeing or dating anyone after five years, And the reason why I dont trust other women is the result I got out of dating women the first two years trying to replace her which I could not I thought about her the entire time .The reason why I trust her is I created this mess and caused her to leave I was not the man I shouldve been . I would have gone to any length to keep my family together. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription." Ray J and Princess Love are giving their marriage another shot. Dear Sugars, I'm a middle-aged father of one teenage girl. It is nice to know there are others out there besides me. Almost 6 years later and it still hurts. Ali, 40, and Justin, 40, announced their uncoupling in April 2022, but ahead of her new Netflix/A24 comedy series Beef and her upcoming summer tour, Ali told The Hollywood Reporter that she and . When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. I would have been able to still respect him. I do not want to be with my ex as he did some very bad things, but I mourn for the loss of our whole family as a unit and broken promises. What are Dirty Thunderstorms and When Do They Appear? Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. 20. For me, the pain will never go away. I do not miss him, nor do I want him back, I feel like I served my time so to speak after 15 1/2 years of marriage. As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote. My divorce might be legally over soon. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. I see my family, our friends, most couples I know retiring together, doing life together, enjoying grandchildren together, but everything we do, well its not the same. Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. But it still hurts and may always. Only now I realise all that I feel, others feel too. I was married for nearly 40 years and I have known him for 50 years. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. house, kids, American Dream. Maybe its her you shouldnt trust and other women, those whove not hurt you, you should give a chance. This also resonates with me. A lot of it hit home with me. I initiated it. And I have not been able to shake my own love for him, even though he hurt me so deeply. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. And Jennifer L hit the nail on the head. The accusations are almost laughable. Life is very cruel to people who do the right thing and the people who lie, cheat, steal and betray just seem to get on with life as if nothing has happened. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz I am also 10 years on and, although as you say sadness and happiness can coexist, there is a very quiet, still, invisible presence he has never really gone away from my heart and mind. I divorced the following year. Then she decided to take her Mom for a vacation to ensure that she was at peace and enjoy a new atmosphere outside the norm. I miss her greatly . At the 10-year mark, 90% of the women and 70% of the men still felt that the divorce was the right decision. He has seen me in a good, solid, happy relationship for several years now, and while life isnt without its challenges, in general, I have no complaints. Three kids and 15 years later we divorced. I did not handle the divorce well. The thought of having to spend the little money I have to defend myself against a frivolous lawsuit is killing me. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex. But the pain lingers under the surface always. Divorce can be worse than dying. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. Making choices so the kids like you. "@type": "Question", This article really resonates with me. TMZ reported that both Sidora and Pittman have filed for divorce after almost 10 years of marriage. Its pretty impossible to put into words how I feel after 5 years since our family disintegrated. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly But I could not stop it. As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. Studio Firma/Stocksy United. I have had a similar situation. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. D. A. Wolf is a professional writer, editor, and independent marketing and social media consultant. Median duration of second marriages: Males: 7.3 years Females: 6.8 years. You may consider it phantom pain, but its pain nonetheless. As parents of a "broken home," my ex and I know in our hearts that we did as best as we could for as long as we could, but in the end, it didn't work. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. Thank you for writing this article and for me stumbling upon it Im so glad there are others out there who understand, and can put into words, how this feels. 13+ years. You choose to leave now leave me alone. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont feel terrible. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. Thank you for this. your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable. What I learned: Never let your guard down entirely, and he or she with the deepest pockets wins. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it? Nothing was ever going to be enough. It is just there. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. Agree. Your piece really spoke to me. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. Done. I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. I couldnt say more because this is the solution to becoming a happy person after grieving for over 10 years. Its a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesnt seem to go away. I have done nothing but cried and act emotionally out of control since I received the summons out of nowhere. It has been just over a year now and I still feel like I have been kicked in the stomach daily. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. We spoke to 12 men about life after divorce. I am still lost, but all the replies I read show my hurting is not alone. However, there are plenty of ways to fight off the causes of depression, and a good support group will help you get through the worst parts of the divorce without it having a major impact on your life moving forward. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. My situation is without the financial issues now. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. The relationship- no kids thank God was very sticky I was 21 when we met, he was 36. I have truly tried to find out who I am. No anger but deep deep hurt. He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. It truly has broken my heart. We all grieve differently. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. If she's been married 10 years, I've been separated/divorced for 10 years. You arent able to create what society defines as a nuclear family but, if youre receptive, you are able to create a family any child, especially an orphan would love to be part of. Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful But if a marriage is in shambles, then its better for it to be called off than to remain in pain and hurts for the rest of your life. "@type": "FAQPage", I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. My life was unraveling before my eyes. My kids are well. 2019 Divorced Moms. what gets me thru life is God and my kids and grandkids . The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. I wish everyone going through this agony only the very best. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. While on the other side of the coin, your post made me have a lot of sympathy for you. ", I certainly dont want someone back in my life who is capable of causing such sorrow in others and not giving a damn, but it feels like part of the family is missing. Are you a parent who's separated divorced Or NEVER-MARRIED ? I never realized you could love to much. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. The anger caught me off guard today, for I thought my heart had healed; deep sadness can still come around, this time of year, and I am relieved to know it isnt uncommon. As the publication noted, it's possible that this split could get messy as both parties reportedly raced to file . She left because she no longer wanted marriage and to go down the path we were heading e.g. And I miss hugs and kisses. I am not ready for such a step, nor do I believe I ever will be. Im also thankful that there were no answers in your message. They are irritating and dismissive, and predicated on assumptions that may not be true for all of us, including the adage that time heals all wounds. But moving on is not as simple as a prescription, especially when the past is the present, and the present is indeed a bitter pill. And my bitterness prevents me from speaking to her, despite her efforts to remain friends. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. "I think we are done", he says. A word I'd wished for so long to hear. To do that, you must first understand your divorce hangover. And so I come to accept my reality: Sadness can coexist with happiness; some wounds may never heal though we learn to live with the pain; some pain may never subside completely. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. Im lucky my daughter still talks to me. All we can do, those who still grieve, is to carry on, realise that we are not weird or silly for not getting over it, and that there are wonderful moments and times that we can enjoy. It looks pretty hurtful from where I stand. So much collateral damage. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. people say you should be over and done by now . Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. Many couples never recover from divorce because of feeding their minds with evil thoughts about your past marriage, calling and abusing your ex-partner. I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. He didnt ask for forgiveness, nor can I find it in my heart to forgive him the hurt and emptiness is too deep. I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. It took him 6 years to make up his mind to go through with a divorce. if I ever get another chance with her I will treat her as a queen . She up and decided one day she no longer wanted to be married to me or anyone for that matter. Good luck! Also learn to put your positive energy in a different atmosphere, visit childrens homes, share their joys and hurts and encourage them that there is hope after a painful living. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. But love, sadly, is not always enough when it comes to marriage, and we deal with it in the best way possible. Personally, I consider these realizations to be hard-won wisdom. All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. Thanks for recognizing that. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. Its been more than a dozen years, but the fact of my divorce, the speed with which the marriage unraveled, the ease with which my spouse moved on, the tumultuous aftermath that dragged on for a decade, the onslaught of related losses All of it still hurts. Are men and women so different? All in all, I am at a standstill. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. Im just so broken. Acceptance is the final stage of loss. I just dont know how I could have been so blind. a loss of appetite. The deep pain of losing a relationship is based on the belief that your peace and your joy lies within the other person, and without them, you have no access to these feelings. I trust in God to get me through until the end. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. I just found out today that the ex and his wife (my friend) have purchased property in a place where WE as a family would spend summers. Sam, I find it odd that you dont trust other women but would trust the woman causing your pain and welcome her back. I will be praying for you Lerlie, and for each and everyone that have shared their pain and hurt as well on the comments. I want to heal, move in, live with joy and pursue my dreams! We all grieve differently. I see my future as being alone for the rest of my life, Im too exhausted and too busy careing for OUR severely disabled daughter. Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. Deeply sad, and still in pain. Im very happy to find this essay tonight, and the comments you have all left. irritability. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! Thinking that being alone means being lonely. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . On the midst of the storm, He has given me peace. Oh, so difficult! Sadness and happiness can coexist,but its not easy,not at all. If you are enduring your marriage, there is nothing much to do but file for a divorce.It can be said that the end of a marriage is always a difficult time you don't want to go through alone. Its possible for your divorce to haunt you even after years as you struggle emotionally over how your marriage ended, how easily your spouse moved on, and how hard it is to negotiate the ebbs and flows of life. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. I can relate a lot with you. This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach. "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. I am not a bitter woman. I wish everyone here the peace and happiness you deserve, and if the pain is still there, so be it ignore the platitudes (time is a healer. I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. It is more than enough! The day before what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary he sent me an apology for the way he treated me, and brought up the anniversary I cannot think why as he was married to her, so why mention it. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. The grief of your family broken or split is for sure the hardest thing to get over Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. "text": "Moving on after divorce is hard when all you do is live the past instead of the present. I was married for 29 years and so I am almost there. Divorce at this point takes the order of the day. Shelia sorry to hear about your story. },{ I only ever did what I thought was best for my children at the time, but guess that wasnt enough. Did I handle things negatively, sure did. We just arent on the same level. That was 5 years ago. You see, every dream died with divorce, I was a stay at home mom and we entertained so often. He was my best friend, husband and mentor. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. The descriptors are poignant and cathartic to say the least. Might have been easier on me emotionally if he had died. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo.